What is the problem with children today? Why does it seem that so many children are so rambunctious, rowdy, loud, disobedient, defiant, and disturbing to the general public? Do the parents enjoy their children acting in such ways or are they simply out of control? (whether or not the parent will admit this).
Today, many well educated, middle and upper class parents face a dilemma. This is something that is new to their generation and hasn’t been seen before. This dilemma has caused them to be “absolutely too permissive.” The problems in these families can occur as early as 9-12 months when the child may develop sleeping problems/difficulties and will continue to develop into tantrums and defiance then what? Drugs and alcohol?
The dilemma these parents face is how to spend the few precious hours they have with their children after work. A mother once told me she felt she was, “Only processing her children”. She took them to day care at 7am and then picked them up at 5:30pm, went home fixed dinner and then got the children ready for bed and then put them down and repeated this basic process every day.” This, a mother of a dual career family - was caught between spending quality time with her children, and feeling guilty when needing to enforce discipline because she hadn’t seen her child all day. Parents will forgo discipline in order to enjoy the little time they have to spend with their children. ”With working mothers, there is definitely an issue of guilt,” Dr. Varga said. The few hours in the evening are so precious to these parents, the majority of them choose not to enforce boundaries, limits, rules or discipline. These parents take the passive and lenient approach to parenting trying to make the time spent with their children as “happy feeling” as possible.
Can you relate?
Fact is it’s much easier to say “yes” than it is to say “no”. You can say “no” but it take much more energy to enforce this “no” with a whining child than it does to just say “yes”. At the end of a long work day when you’re already tired, who has the extra energy and patience to deal with complains and whines from saying “no”? In place of engaging with the family and playing games after dinner, it’s much easier to set the kids in front of the t.v. or have them watch movies, play video games, etc. This also keeps them quiet and from causing problems.
How do families do it? How do you make the best of what little time you have left with your kids, specially when everyone is worn, stressed, and exhausted? Allowing children to run free and make their own decisions, giving in to almost any plea in order to keep everyone “happy” - is this the least stressful, most rewarding, and making the greatest childhood memories for the kids - or is this just an effort to “get by” without expending energy that you don’t have and having one or two patience left when you lay your head down to sleep?
So - what’s the answer?
As the New York Times stated, children without boundaries are less secure and more prone to frustration, insecurities, and in the end don’t feel safe. Being passive makes daily decisions very inconsistent varying with the circumstance, and to the child it seems your decisions may be as stable as bubbles floating in the wind. The lack of security and comfort automatically makes the child more prone to whine, easily cry and become overly frustrated. Ultimately you’ve set the stage to have multiple meltdowns and tantrums in any given evening.
Should I feel guilty disciplining my child when I only see them a few hours each night?
No! A family without discipline is a family that will spend those few hours doing the “family dance” as the book 1-2-3 magic calls it. If the children don’t have boundaries and limits and there is no authority figures in the home (parents take charge), children are less secure and much harder to handle. This means it will take 10 times longer to get dinner done, and 5 times longer to get ready for bed than it should and instead of 30 minutes of stories there will be 2 hours… leaving no time for family games or interaction between the children and the parents - the interactions that leave imprints on the kids and memories they will treasure for life.
You’ll spend so much time trying to “please” your child so you can avoid or stop the whining, badgering and tantrums you’ll have no energy or the desire nor patience by 7pm to make the rest of the evening fun and memorable. There simply isn’t enough time when kids don’t cooperate. These children don’t cooperate because the exact boundaries and lines they are searching for don’t exist.
Discipline make life easier and more memorable
Don’t feel guilty! Just because you only have a few precious hours with your child doesn’t mean you need to feel guilty for sitting them in time out for a period of time because their behavior is not appropriate.
Discipline does not make the child angry at you, or hate you and they won’t hold it against you… I PROMISE!!
You will be shocked to see an increase in the hugs and kisses in the home. Children feel more secure, comfortable and loved when they know the expectations of their parents and they have boundaries that are enforced. They will test these to see if you’re going to stand your ground, and when they do that’s when you have to act and follow through with discipline. If you touch an electric fence you’re going to get shocked. It’s the same idea- you giving them the “shock effect” shows them that you’re paying attention, you’re looking out for their best and therefore you care and love them very much.
Discipline when used correctly is effective and with time you’ll find your house will be filled with much more harmony and much less discipline. In fact you’ll have days at a time where the “time out chair” isn’t used!
Tessa’s Tips
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Take the shame and guilt out of discipline. You’re causing more pain and frustration to your children not having discipline.
- Making Memorable moments will be made easier when the children at home are manageable and patience aren’t expended by dinner time.
- Tantrums and continual whining should not be an accepted part of daily life
- Children desire to have boundaries and for these to be firm and enforced.
- Clear expectations and firmly enforced rules= very happy kids and that means a happy harmonious family!!
- Keep on the lookout for more ideas on how to turn your precious time with your children into memories that will last a lifetime!
Posted on September 26th, 2008 by Tessa
Filed under: Ages 1-3, Ages 13-15, Ages 15-18, Ages 3-5, Ages 6-8, Ages 9-12, Parenting | No Comments »
